Something I wrote a while back that I would like to share:

I closed the book that had my past strewn upon the pages.

It was no longer bound.

My past life came crashing down and was scattered all over the floor unto which I stood.

No longer were my memories in order.

No longer did I feel the need to rekindle my lost works, for they were no longer welcomed in my present story.

So, I set them aside and moved onto a new novel…my own.

I searched a room filled with marvelous story books in a quest for my own blank manuscript.

I sought out a new story, a new beginning, middle, and end.

It would be written the way I have always dreamed my own story would be.

I dreamed of a life of happiness, understanding, and bliss.

Finally, on the furthest shelf hidden amongst dust and cobwebs, I found my future masterpiece.

I held an empty book in my eager hands, a book that was bound strong and sturdy, one that could withstand the constant rummaging through its pages.

I opened the new book and turned to a clear and crisp page.

It felt as if this book was calling my name to lay a sea of ink upon the many parchment pages.

I committed to the pages and a stream of words flowed onto them.

My heart was emptied, and all that I loved was tattooed upon them.

My book was permanent and always there for me to confine it.

Reading my words kept my heart beating, filling an emptiness that had risen inside me.

I found what I had always been missing and wrote what my heart told me.

My own book not only brought me back to life but let my life live on.

It was through my words and these pages, I told my story, a story that I found satisfaction with, for it was truly my own.

I placed it back onto the wooden shelf to sit in peace amongst the others.

I know it will be there forever for anyone to read and ponder, wondering how their life could be changed with just the will to write it.  

Wouldn't it be amazing to see life through someone else's eyes? Well, I hope I can give you an insight to what it is that makes me tick. Before, I can be my funny and sometimes embarrassing self, I have to be serious and seriously tell my story. 

In life we have these moments where we realize the path we are on is not the right one. The light at the end of the tunnel is fading and we are somewhere in-between lost and confused. This has been my life for the past I don't know how many years. Some judge me and see only the external cues such as the smile on my face or the shoes I wear. But, what lies beneath the surface is something no one has ever really dared to encounter or question. Yes, I am confident and am independent, but, I am also vulnerable and slowly healing and dealing with things out of my control. 


I have been told that if the world was to put their problems all in a pile and see how much other people are truly hurting and suffering we would gladly accept our difficulties and face them with dignity and persistence, knowing we are lucky just to be alive and healthy. This is true and I know that it's not right to judge anyone when I have no idea what they are facing or going through. I just wish the people that I thought were close to me could understand this simple heuristic.


I am nothing compared to who I was in High School. I will be 21 in less than 2 weeks and am more mature than people three or four years older than myself. I make mistakes quite often, but, I know how to fix them and get the help or advice I need when I need it. We are all human and you are not living life to the fullest extent unless you make mistakes and have a past to reflect upon. One piece of advice: really listen to your parents because 100% of the time my Mom was absolutely right about someone or something. It's really scary but true!


I do not want sympathy, but hopefully, I can provide some insight and understanding for what I have been going through so others can understand how and why I do not do as much or go out as much as I use to. 


So here comes the heavy stuff, the things that I have been facing and what has been dictating my life for the past year. After months of tests and being stuck with needles sometimes more than 15 times in one week, I finally went to this gastrointestinal genius of a doctor, Dr. Mathias. He first listened to my insides with his stethoscope and then made me listen to them and they sounded like rice crispies that just had milk poured over them, popping and crackling. This meant that something was for sure going on in my gastrointestinal tract. He ran a test on me and found that I have a neuromuscular disease in my digestion tract, where my intestinal tract and colon has seizures and causes severe, almost stab like pains. Because I had this disease and how severe it was, Dr. Mathias was absolutely sure that I would have to go see another doctor, Dr. Mangel, an infertility specialist. I would soon be diagnosed with endometriosis, which is a female disorder where cells from the lining of the womb grow in different areas of the body and is affected by insulin and glucose absorption. Almost all women have some endometriosis in their system but it does not react or cause symptoms and pain such as mine did. Between these two diseases I was affected everyday in the way I felt, slept, ate and perceived myself. It was depressing and took me off my tough girl petalstool after taking multiple stabs at my dignity. I had surgery in December to remove my endometriosis and it went well but still to this day I encounter problems and bumps along the road to recovery.


I am on a strict diet of what I can and cannot eat. I have not had a medium rare steak since last September and that is my all time favorite meal. It's almost hard to believe that after all this time I do not even think about red meat when I start considering what I will cook for dinner or even lunch. I take medicine 4 times a day with each meal and before I go to bed to try to subside the seizures that still persist.  


It's not easy to admit you were your own worst enemy and part of the reason I had these diseases was because of what I put into my body. How we rise after falling is what truly dictates one's true self and intentions in life.
My hope is that I can conquer and control these diseases with a healthy lifestyle full of exercise and healthy eating. I wish none of these things upon another and pray for the guidance needed to succeed at the journey ahead of me.


SSC